Posted by
King David Caul on Wednesday, October 08, 2008 10:47:21 PM
PIRATES PIRATES PIRATES - PIRATES EVERYWHERE!
Pirates are so hot hot hot! Ever since Johnny Depp churned out some Pirates of the Caribbean blockbusters, the public has fallen utterly in love with the ale imbibing, "arg" spoutin', lavishly alt-rock dressed pirate.
Recent high-profile news of daredevil Somali pirates (illuminating what is actually a fairly trendy situation off that coast) has shown the lengths people will go to to play pirate today. Imagine; stealing tanks from Putin's Russia. That takes balls, folks. But that's how fun the pirate lifestyle is! Yo ho, yo ho; a pirate's life for me!
The pirate fads and trends have made some piratey people fortunes. Perhaps the greatest winner is the Disney brand, as owners of the "POTC" franchise; BUT, they may well be surpassed in resulting wealth by their accidental spawn - the Jack Sparrow Halloween costume industry!
But these are just the more colorful segment of the modern pirate community.
ASCAP, BMI, Sony music, Time-Warner, MP3s, Napster and Limewires...Remember all that fun? The RIAA has NEVER forgotten it. We think less about it now, thanks to Apple Store and the like FINALLY making it EASIER to do the legal thing than to do the illegal thing. But, man it took those child-prosecuting pirates a long time to figure out how to contain their counter-pirate foes.
Digital piracy hasn't gone away, don't get me wrong. Hollywood is the new panicked pirate (Hollywood repeatedly raiding the past for revered material it can repaint and peddle as new) who now wrings its hands in despair as it watches internet bandwidth widen. They, at least, have enjoyed watching the bone-headed path of the RIAA, and consequently are trying to 'play ball' somewhat instead of arresting technology. But watch for the digital madness ahead. As bandwidth increases, you would expect downloads to
increase in speed - except the new bandwidth will permit the sharing of high-definition entire seasons of hit shows, which will arrive to fill and absorb the touted gains of bandwidth. Where will this end? Eventually, as bandwidth permits, will the entire CBS catalogue, from first days to present, will be shared? Ah, the digital realm is a soup loaded with pirate spices and flavors.
Let us not forget our silent global digital-pirate brethren; pirates of software. Hackers, crackers, bootleg Windows factories; these are excellent examples of the robust work-ethic and education which is in the intellectual pirate class.
But our most important, if sly and cleverly low-profile Jack Sparrows, are the Pirates of commerce: bad mortgage peddlers, predatory lenders, market manipulators, inside traders, opportunistic speculators, Wall Street short-sellers, and whoever else models behavior on Michael Douglas' character in the movie "Wall Street". These are closest to the Johnny Depp's depiction of a pirate "community"; with old, old friendship and allegiances -- where everybody knows most everybody else and an
insider 'pirate code' is in place.
A wonderful example has been generated by the recent multi-award winning 'Pirates of the Year'. The AIG "top performers" (2008's Best and Most Astonishing Oxymoron recipient!) have done an astonishing job at revealing extraordinary pirate skills and ethics. All we aspirin' pirates could learn a great deal from this scurvy colony. With marvelous pirate finesse, these dogs plundering the taxpayer's dangerously empty treasure chest for 85 billion dollars, and then garishly retreated in celebration
to a 'drunken pirate debauchery' spa; spilling mug after mug of ale and rum, molesting wenches, and laughing deeply as whores drop grapes into their drunken open mouths. EXCELLENT pirating, my friends. Excellent!
But these pirates of world wealth are the but the pirate rivals of the most horrific pirates of our era; the United States Congress. These are the most fearsome and most cunning of our modern pirate revival. These sinister captains are able to use our very system to rob our system. The pirates will stand in your face and boldly tell you they are your benefactors. These blackbeards will draw a paycheck, full health care, and a pension for their plundering of your future. These pirates are artful thieves
of your wealth, your future, and most devilish of all; your hope and faith. They will thank you courteously, but you will find your jewelry box empty of gems and replaced with stinking cynicism. These pirates are near pirate-perfect; they have only to abandon their stupid suit-and-tie look, as this level of sinister piracy truly deserves scarlet crimson jackets and tall black boots!
Halloween is comin'..Get your costume ready. "Arrrg..."